Seeing that the Reflections of a Fire blog that I wrote a few months ago heralded such a lovely response from so many people (a big thank you to all of you who read it and said such beautiful, encouraging things), I thought I would delve a little deeper into the Fire personality type through the relationship that I have with one of the greatest treasures I have in my life: the work and persona of Freddie Mercury. When Freddie burst into my orbit all that time ago I had no inkling of ideas such as Daoism, Fire personality traits, etc, & yet, when I look back now, all those ideas make so much sense. For the connections I had with what I knew of Freddie & what he sang & wrote about were legion: he was a party animal, he loved to sing & perform, loved dressing up, was unashamedly romantic, flirtatious & openly admitted that he was incredibly emotional, experiencing both the ups & downs at great extremes. At various times I have responded to the world in very similar ways, experiencing either some or all of these things myself. And then, of course, was an extra layer of glue that tied us together: he was chronically ill with AIDS, an illness that changed his life immeasurably. In Cystic Fibrosis, I had a chronic illness that affected & dictated what I could & couldn't do immeasurably as well. I was born with CF, which is an inherited, genetic & progressive illness which clogs the body with sticky mucus, causing repeated infections & eventually destroys the organs, & my mum was told by the specialists that were treating me when I was diagnosed that I wouldn't live past my teens. Although she tried to protect me from picking up this kind of information, I had a school friend whose mum was a nurse, & he told me matter of factly one day when I was about 9/10, "My mum said that because of your illness you'll be dead by the time you're sixteen." And of course, this terrifying information was reaffirmed to my young soul whenever the occasional news item about CF would be on the news & the average age life expectancy of mid to late teens was disclosed. I also, like Freddie, felt like an outsider, different to everyone else. He because he was an immigrant from Zanzibar & because of his bisexuality. Me because I was so small in stature, was unwell so much of the time, coughed continually & had severe tummy issues, couldn't play games in the rain & wasn't allowed to eat chocolate, ice cream, chips or crisps & took lots of tablets, & because I had to have a special high calorie hot drink at breaks & lunch time. "What makes you so special, midget!?" is a playground accusation & challenge I can recall only too well from those awful days. And so, I guess when Freddie crossed my path, I was always going to respond to him like he was a kindred spirit & guiding star. And he is still as big a part of my life as at any time. But one thing I find interesting now is that with (I hope!) a better understanding of myself than I had twenty years ago, & a better understanding of life & different personality types, I have a more nuanced view of the similarities I find between mine & Freddie's approaches to life, along with the differences, too. And I've even more recently discovered a vocabulary to describe & understand some of these similarities & differences with even more detail: for he was a Yang Fire whilst I am a Yin Fire (or to be more precise, that is our Day Master, according to the Ba Zi chart). So, using Freddie & myself as examples, here are some of the uncanny similarities between Freddie & myself, as well as some of the differences I think I've noticed, which may describe in a bit of detail how he, as a Yang Fire, responds to the world compared to my Yin Fire. First up then, and in, as usual, your best Ant of Lotus Nei Gong Mackem/Sunderland accent, please: "Howay,... let's have a look at these Firey differences, then!"
Freddie (Yang Fire):
1. The Need to be the Centre of Attention:
I doubt if Freddie was ever happier or felt more contented than when he was at the centre of attention & being the star of the show. This is one of the things that makes him so attractive & charismatic to me. His confidence in himself, even when he was skating pretty close to overegging the pudding, (as in the picture above!), is, for me, completely overshadowed by the fact that he was so magnificently & unashamedly himself. Despite the haters - & by goodness, there were plenty of those - he defied them all to be exactly who he wanted to be. He was absolutely fabulous in his own, over the top, dramatic, theatrical, exaggerated way. And although he was mocked mercilessly at times in the music press, he managed to ignore them all. I adored this about him & hoped that by allowing him into my heart he might actually be able to pass on some of that confidence to me as, in those early days, I was having pretty regular hopeless crises of confidence. And this also highlights one of the differences perhaps between a Yang Fire & Yin Fire as although I do love being the star of the show, I also have times when I just want to hide & mingle in the background drapery. The need to be centre of attention certainly doesn't appear to me to be anything like as strong in my own personality as it was in Freddie's, but perhaps I am not the best judge of this. I may actually come across as a complete attention seeking drama queen, who knows, darlings! But, in Freddie's case, thank goodness he did feel that way as if he hadn't, we might never have had stunning pieces of work like the 'It's A Hard Life' song & the accompanying video that this famous red eye costume was worn in, & who in their right mind would want to live in a world without them?
2. A Need to Bring Joy:
This part of Freddie's personality must be well known to anyone who has followed his work & life story. It's one of the things that stands out like a peacock's tail & a blackbird's song in so many of the stories people tell of their dealings with him. Like the time Princess Diana turned up at his house in a dreadful depression & needing some one to talk to. His solution? To dress her up in male drag as a disguise & take her out to one of London's shadiest night spots. Whilst they were there, a fight broke out at the table next to them & when she screamed in terror, apparently Freddie just started laughing, grabbed her hand & dragged her up on to the dance floor. It is also the reason why, to my sometime dismay, Queen never, or very rarely, talked about politics in their music. Freddie told Brian May that he wanted Queen, & especially their live concerts, to be about fun (or joy). Of course, this doesn't mean that Queen's or Freddie's solo music is shallow. It deals with some of the deepest aspects of life (love, heartbreak, mortality, meaning), but their live concerts are a joy-blessed celebration of the theatre that is Life. It's also probably why Freddie spent hundreds of thousands on flying his guests out to Ibiza in private jets for one of his famous birthday bashes. Because he wanted to bring joy & fun to the souls of the people he loved to spend time with. And probably why he was such a tantalisingly good flirt. Because isn't flirting - when done properly - just a wonderful way of making others feel attractive & special & which helps build a person's feeling of desirability & confidence? If this is correct, & I believe it is, it is surely a precious gift, done simply because the frisson of the exchange is fun, & that life can get too damn serious & boring without it. Well, that's my take on it, anyway. And let's face it, if Freddie wanted you & latched those great dark eyes of his onto yours... I reckon it would have been easier to tear your gaze away from a rattlesnake that had you in its sights than break free from Freddie's hypnotic look!
As for me, I find, once again, that there is this element of wanting to bring people joy in my personality, but on a lower level than Yang Fire. Of course I hope everyone around me will be enjoying themselves but I'm a bit too inward looking & insecure about how I'm appearing to everyone to be able to focus on everybody else the way Freddie seemed to be able to do. Coupled with this is the fear of not being loved in return & of gut-wrenching rejection. And as for getting others to the party: I'd probably be much more likely to worry that they would be able to make it, & if they didn't I'd probably convince myself, to my utter horror, that I was completely unloved. So, I guess, once again, I do see see definite differences here between myself as a Yin fire & Freddie as a Yang Fire. It's as if we meet in a grey area on this issue, as of course I want people to have fun & enjoy themselves, but Freddie's Yang takes that energy into a different area, into which my Yin just about dips his toe, but then spends the night before the party sleepless with worry in case I get forgotten about & nobody turns up as promised, & which would be absolutely & utterly soul-crushing for me. Ah, yin fires... how on earth do the rest of you put up with us!?)
3. A Desire to be Famous
This is probably one of the main differences between what I've learned about Freddie & me. Judging by the stories I've read, Freddie knew he would be & actively wanted to be famous even in the early days of Queen. He thrived on it & in some ways it was an intricate part of who he was. I've had my own brush with fame, darlings, all those lifetimes ago, when I was in two very successful TV series &, believe it or not, even got regularly recognised & accosted on the streets & was even asked to sign autographs for people! It was, of course, nothing at all like the scale of fame Freddie had, & although I tried my best to enjoy it for what it was & make the most of the experience, in the main it left me feeling uneasy & it was something I wasn't completely comfortable with. But what it taught me, & without those experiences I may never have stopped to consider them, was the difference between being famous & being a star. For Freddie was a genuine star long before he became famous. And as the dandy Sebastian Horsley knew so well, it is far better to be an anonymous star than a famous non-entity. But Freddie was actually the real deal: a star who also became famous. But long before he was actually famous, he still dressed like a flamboyant dandy as he paraded up & down Kensington High Street. He turned heads, was as outrageous as he always was, & patiently waited for the chance to show the larger world just what they were missing. The fame came later, & when it came, he just continued to be his own authentic, unique self. And that's why he was the real deal, a genuine, immortal star, & not just a famous non-entity like pretty much every boring celebrity that appears on our screens these days. And not forgetting his practically superhuman talent as well, of course. But anyway, I am digressing somewhat, so back to the fame issue. For Freddie, it seems to me that he was driven by a desire to be famous &, until the despicable, vile gutter press made his life almost impossible as rumours began to circulate that he was ill, he played that particular game with aplomb, boldness & with great success & I would imagine that it brought him, as a Yang Fire, when he was at his magisterial peak, enormous & dare I say it, balanced (as in balance within his Yang Fire nature) pleasure. Whereas, as a Yin fire, I found the experience of being famous rather unsettling,- & anxiety provoking. But he seemed to thrive on it, & as he himself wrote & sang to his adoring audience:
"You've given me fame, fortune & everything that goes with it...
I thank you all."
So, gentle readers, those are a couple of the main differences I've found when considering my Yin Fire nature & Freddie's Yang Fire nature. So now, & just for a bit of fiery fun (because we fires love that, darlings!) here are a few themes around which mine & Freddie's fire tendencies, appear to me, to be very similar, & which is, in no small way no doubt, one of the many reasons why I felt such a strong connection & kinship with him, ever since his work & persona burst into my life, so many years ago.
Yin & Yang Fire Similarities in Freddie & Me
No.1: Artistic Expression (singing/performing)
The first thing that I ever knew of Freddie & what drew me to him like a magnet was, initially, his incredible singing voice. And once my interest in Freddie started to become an obsession, there was a period where I was truly like a junky, & had to listen to him every day. And, because I adored to sing myself, it wasn't very long before I was listening to him with that closeness of hearing that indicated to me that he was a singing teacher to me. (In fact, this is how I now feel about all the singers I adore - each time I listen to them I am noticing & learning more about how they use their voices, their phrasing, etc). But, it wasn't just his singing that I noticed. It was his theatricality, his wonderful showmanship that held the audience captivated & spellbound, his ownership of the stage & his grand gestures & costumes. The way he brought the high drama of opera into the world of rock music. But mostly, for this particular blog subject, his obvious intense need to sing & perform, the way he seemed to come alive on stage, & the warmth & respect he discussed in interviews about his love of performing & the theatrical world. For this was also how I felt when I was still well enough to sing & act professionally. I simply loved being on stage & the whole idea of being larger than life, and the feeling that in that moment, the performance was all. I'm guessing that situation is kind of perfect for fiery natures. Even now, because of my health, when I am only able to sing a few songs at a time & only really sing in public a handful of times per year, I also love every second of it & give it my absolute best. I do find the lead up quite nervy at times, though, & this can sometimes lessen the enjoyment. Maybe this is a Yin Fire thing? Anyway, this need to express myself through singing was something I felt Freddie also had in abundance & I felt this kinship with him almost immediately. Two completely Firey individuals doing their perfect fiery thing, I would guess! And as a little side note for any of you reading who don't know: It is well known that Freddie adored musicals & went to as many as he possibly could & apparently went to see Les Miserables many times in the West End as it was one of his favourites. I performed as the original Gavroche in Les Mis from 1985-87 & the knowledge that he may well have been sitting in the audience WATCHING ME on the stage & hearing me sing (I had five solos) is almost too much for my Fiery heart to contain! Ohhhh, as the saying goes, be calm my trembling heart!
2: Party/Social Gathering Lovers! (Lots of pics in this bit alert!)
Ah, how my heart smiles & sings when I think of mine & Freddie's love of parties or fun social events. And there are so many of his songs that are about this. Because of my new knowledge on how Fires interpret & respond to the world, with almost every new listen to a song by Queen or Freddie's solo stuff I notice anew lines that reveal so much about him. The phrase, "What a fire!" has been said to me many times over the years (and still is!), & I now even find myself smiling & saying in my head to Freddie over certain lines in his songs, "Ah... what a fire!" And then there's the pictures & the stories! For Freddie's parties were legendary & the wonderful book collection of his quotes simply drips with decadence & magic. The Puritans & self-appointed moralists would probably tut-tut at plenty of Freddie's antics, but if you're a fire, I would suggest that a party or social event is a serious business & too long without one could lead to a fire's emotional health to suffer (I certainly know that mine does.) and the few times when I can dress up & go out are increasingly precious as my health & time consuming tratment regimes prevents me from socialising anywhere near as much as I would like. Sometimes though, pics can say as much as words & in this instance I think I'll let a few of them tell the story themselves. And if you'd like the full effect, put on something like Freddie's 'Let's Turn It On' or Queen's 'Party/Kashoggi's Ship' at the same time. So, here are some examples for your delectation, dear reader, of either Freddie or me, respectively, in full social gathering mode with other creatures of the night in what I would quite happily describe, & if he knew the terminology I think Freddie would completely agree with me, as a "Fiery Heaven!":
3. The Damaging Perils of Loneliness:
"Sometimes I feel I'm going to break down & cry,
Nowhere to go, nothing to do with my time,
I get lonely... So lonely...
Living on my own."
- Freddie Mercury, 'Living On My Own'
"One day I'll look into your mind and understand which way to go...
But it's the same old story
When you refuse me all the time I'm suicidal on my own,
But you don't know, you don't know
I want to be beside you now, lie in the sand and kiss your brow
I want to fly beyond the moon and do the things we do for love
But you don't care, you don't care
So, history repeats itself, I seem to be all by myself again."
- Freddie Mercury, 'Man-made Paradise'
As the two lyrics above show, Freddie was obviously acutely aware of how distressing the notion of loneliness was to him, & as a fellow-fire, I know this feeling all too well. I obviously can't speak for Freddie, but I know that for me, it's not about not being able to spend time on my own, as I have no problem with that at all & is actually very important to me, as it's during those times that I can write, read, rest & recuperate, or simply contemplate all the myriad subjects that life offers for mental exploration. But loneliness is something else entirely. For me, it's really about feeling unloved & rejected, invisible & even unimportant. It's the thought of a lack of connection that can freeze my heart with fear. I'm sure I heard or read Damo Mitchell of Lotus Nei Gong describe it somewhere along the lines of, "Loneliness can literally kill fire types," & that seems 100% accurate to me. Perhaps that is also why fire types are so often drawn to the stage like moths to a flame, where the applause can mitigate the loneliness, even if it is a mirage. Anyway, all I can say is that Freddie's lines above tell what I would consider a deep fiery truth. We love fun, we adore the one we love, but we also fear loneliness & rejection like vampires fear the daylight hours.
4. Relationships Can Become Like a Religion to Them,
Especially Romantic:
"I wake up, feel just fine...
Your face... fills my mind.
I get religion quick...
Cos you're looking divine...
Honey, you're sparking something...
This fire in me!
I'm out of control,
I want to rush headlong into this ecstasy!"
- Queen, 'Breakthru'
Ah, when Freddie's in this mood, listening to him sing songs such as the one I've quoted above is like having a surge of electricity race through my body, & I can hardly listen to 'Breakthru' without ending up a weeping mess through a total excess of joy. And, of course, when Freddie's singing about love - either its joys or sorrows - he is truly at home & I guess, once again, that as fellow fires this is a key area where we feel very similarly about life. Freddie admits in many interviews that he sometimes falls deeply in love (what a fire!), admits that he is emotionally volatile (what a fire!), & which sometimes made him difficult to be in a relationship with (what a fire!). His last relationship with Jim Hutton was one he treasured deeply, & as a fellow fire, I can well understand how he yearned & wanted to be in a stable relationship even as he loved the nightlife. And, as a fellow fire who adores someone deeply also, I get Freddie's songs about the ecstasy of love on a deep & intuitive level. And they don't even have to be his own songs, for as long as he believes in the words, you'd never know if he wrote the lyrics or not such is the passion & belief he brings to his vocal delivery. So, yes, I would say that Freddie & me are both hugely guilty of this particular charge that can be labelled at fires that their relationships can be become like a religion to them, especially romantic. But I think, like me, he would say something like, "When compared to infinity, our lives on earth are infinitesimal. Why not experience the sublime things to the full, if you are fortunate enough to experience them & Life offers you a treasure for the heart & a gift for the eye?"
But the other side of this, of course, is that we fires can be more than just a tad emotionally fragile. If Lydia & me have even the slightest disagreement, especially if I've done something which leads to her being disappointed with me, my whole positive world view can suddenly shatter like a fragile cocktail glass. And listening to some of Freddie's lyrics, I think he knows that feeling all too well, too:
"Now you say you're leaving me,
I just can't believe it's true.
You're my kind of lover...
Put a little bit of feeling,
Add a bit of meaning to my life..."
- Freddie Mercury, 'Your Kind of Lover'
"You win, You lose,
It's a chance you have to take with love.
Oh yeah, I fell in love,
But now you say it's over,
Well, I'm falling apart..."
Queen, 'It's a Hard Life'
For me, these are words that strike deep into the very heart of what it feels like to be a fire. They may look like throwaway pop lyrics to many, but for me, they carry deep fiery truths. "Put a little bit of feeling, add a bit of meaning to my life" from 'Your Kind of Lover', crystallises a fiery truth for me, who, especially as an atheist, finds a great deal of meaning in life from my relationship with Lydia that I simply could not find anywhere else. But when someone makes your heart sing, what is one supposed to do, darlings? As I've written on here before, if the gods - in this instance Venus/Cupid - decide to bless you as they have me by bringing an extraordinary joy into your existence, it would surely be disrespectful in the extreme to not treasure & cherish that particular gift. I think I know what most of you are thinking at this point... "Ah, what a fire!" but the thought that perhaps the person who makes you feel such ecstatic heights in simply being alive & sharing your time & having experiences with may well fall out of love with you is simply like a dagger thrust through the heart. And Freddie immortalised this feeling in one of his most beautiful songs when he so plaintively sang:
"Love of my life, don't leave me..."
Conclusion: Yang & Yin Fires:
We're one but we're not the same
So, what can I take from this exploration of the differences & similarities between my Yin Fire & Freddie's Yang Fire? I guess, in summation, I would borrow lines from U2's song, 'One', "We're one, but we're not the same." There are so many similarities between Freddie's lyrics, persona & approach to life to my own that I actually find it a bit uncanny. But, as I've described above, there are a few key differences as well. Freddie has also, as a Yang Fire, I think helped me to try & incorporate some of that Yang energy into my own sense of self, as it's something I feel I need to do to be a stronger person. His passionate belief in himself serves as an antidote to my, at times, ravaging insecurities & anxieties, when the thought of doing anything can be almost crippling. His courage when facing his illness, the way he adapted to that situation, his never give up attitude have all rubbed of on me immensely in regard to how I live with the daily struggles my CF brings me. In this respect, he has been so much more than a singer that has a great voice that I admire. It's almost as if he knew my innermost being although, in reality, what I think was happening is that the force of his personality was bringing things out of me that I didn't even know existed. He forced me - in a good way! - to open the doors to potentialities in myself that otherwise may have remained forever in crystal. And, do you know something? Whilst watching the Freddie Mercury Tribute concert on the TV in 1992, which was an incredibly emotional experience (despite some atrocious performances - I mean, Robert Plant... dear, oh dear), during which I had various out of body experiences as I was so emotionally involved with the whole event. But, I then had, during the last twenty minutes or so of the show, what can only be described as a 'Lost: The Series' experience. For even though I find the idea of alternative realities very difficult to understand or believe can exist, there was clearly two versions of me on planet earth that night. For on stage, taking their place to close the show singing 'We Are The Champions', I found myself looking at myself on the telly - even though I was in North Wales - & not only was I on the stage about to sing, but I was also... in drag! Yes, that's right, darlings, it was me, in drag, with my slightly spiky hair & wearing a splendid low cut top (that Freddie would have simply adored!), that amply magnified my best assets/wonderful cleavage to the watching world, (& which is exactly the kind of top I would have worn, of course, if things had been different!) before I burst into song, singing that dramatic, show closing number. I was, of course, actually watching the divine Liza Minelli, but in the emotional state that I was in, & with my emotional connection to Freddie at a surreal peak (I actually regularly chat to him in my imagination to this very day when I need his advice), that is actually what I experienced during those strange & intensely unusual few minutes.
I don't mean to offend anyone with this light-hearted take on me in drag at the Freddie Tribute Concert, because Freddie's impact on my life has been astronomical. As an atheist, artists such as he have been, and always will be, vital to me. It's as if he was bringing messages to my inner-self from another untapped realm, (which is not surprising seeing that he did rename himself as Mercury - after the messenger of the gods), giving me glimpses of how personalities can have the power of myth, & how mythical ideas can be portrayed in a living person & not just be words on a page. He opened portals to my soul that would otherwise possibly have remained sealed forever (as did Bowie, Boothy, all the artists I adore) & without his & their influence, I very much doubt that I would see, interpret & want to experience life in the incredibly rich, sensual & mysterious way that I do today. He also gave me an idea on how it is possible to live with a chronic illness yet still fight it with every ounce of your being & not let it dictate entirely what you can & can't do. He taught me that it's possible to adapt so that I can still do many of the things I love to do that I've discussed here, even if it's not on the scale that I hoped it might be. Because if I couldn't be expressive, find connections with people & do Fiery things (and feel the love, darlings!), I'm pretty certain I would very soon become Slightly Mad & very emotionally sick indeed. And because as he himself sang, The Show Must Go On. And last, but certainly not least, to this day he still encourages my anxious Yin with his supremely confident Yang to be more decisive & assertive, which is so important as this absolutely does not come naturally to me. And, of course, there remains forever that extraordinary, heart-piercing voice.
So, Yang Fire & Yin Fire... similar but not the same. And I reckon I know what most of you will be thinking about both Freddie & me now you've got to the end of this particular blog:
"What a couple of fires!"
"Was it all worth it?
Giving all my heart and soul
Staying up all night.
Was it all worth it?
Living breathing rock 'n' roll this never ending fight...
Was it all worth it, was it all worth it?
Yes, it was a worthwhile experience
Ha ha ha ha ha!"
- Queen, 'Was It All Worth It'
