Reflections of a Fire

"Take a look at your natural river. What are you? Stop playing games with yourself. Where's your river going? Are you riding with it? Or are you rowing against it? Don't you see that there is no effort if you're riding with your river?" 
- Frederick Carl Frieseke (Impressionist Artist, 1874-1939)

"I'm a very emotional person, a person of real extremes."

- Freddie Mercury

"You can't start a fire without a spark." 

- Bruce Springsteen, 'Dancing in the Dark'

It's not easy being a Fire. For let me confide to you dear reader, being a Fire is a pretty turbulent state of affairs & has its fair share of ups & downs, but having learnt more over the last couple of years through talking to Lydia about Daoism, & hearing some of Damo's online lectures & reading articles & books, etc, I have, I believe, although I am an atheist, come to realise & understand myself & my needs in a more accepting way. There is, for example, a big part of me that feels like I should have the title one of my favourite Magazine songs, 'I'm a Party!' tattooed on my forehead. When I was younger, going out drinking & clubbing a couple of times a month kept me going, especially when my health began to deteriorate & I had to face up to the fact that I wouldn't be well enough to sing or act professionally any more & that my short lived but much loved career in the performing arts was as good as over. But even before that, when my health was better, the pull of a party was simply irresistible. And still now, although I have to be more careful & am capable of far less than I was when I was younger, I still love a night out. If I know there's dinner & cocktails & dressing up in our sassiest frocks on the horizon, it's as if I've been given a shot in the arm. Yet there have been times during the last few years when I have reproached myself for this, & told myself that it is something I should have grown out of & shouldn't be so attached to. But I've gradually learned that embracing my inner dandy & going out & socialising & dressing up to the night is something that actually keeps me in balance with what are, essentially, a Fire's (i.e., my) needs. I used to feel myself literally shrinking inside if there was a lack of socialising in my life. If there was no place to go to I would begin to wilt like a flower deprived of sun & water. "Have a word with yourself!" would then start the voice in my head, "you're not showing any signs of spiritual growth by reacting like this. You should be able to become unattached & rise above it, & even without these things MAKE YOURSELF FEEL HAPPY!" And of course I couldn't, & the accusing voice in my head would then get even louder. Then Lydia & me would have a wonderful romantic evening where we'd go out for dinner or we'd have a night out with friends & the spark within me would reignite & all at once equilibrium would fortunately be restored. But that voice kept nagging me, & it was only when I overheard Damo talking on one of Lydia's lectures last year that I was finally able to somewhat silence that critical voice in my head. For what Damo said was something along the lines of, "If Fire's don't have these things in their life, they get sick. It really is that simple." And what a sigh of relief I let out on hearing those words. For that is how I feel if certain desires/needs/wishes are absent from my life for too long. If that life energy is denied me or connection with others becomes too minimal, my mood plummets (more on this aspect of my make up later) & I feel like little more than half a person. The colour drains from life, I can hardly laugh... in short, I get emotionally & energetically sick:

But as I said, how refreshing & liberating it is to know that if I get these feelings, it's not necessarily because of some enormous, monstrous failing on my part. Of course, I know that there has to be lots of understanding in how often I can go out & what I'm able to do, but having dates on the calendar to look forward to, meeting up with friends, & of course, having romantic dates with Lydia all give me a sense of... wait for it... balance! (yes, darlings, that's actually me praising balance!) But that is, of course, balance within myself. Balance with my Fire nature. If I gave up these social & expressive & life-affirming things, I would no longer be balanced. So, denial & renouncing my hopes & wishes would be disastrous in this instance & definitely not be "balanced". But I've made that point already, I would guess. So, I would like, if I may, to take you on a short journey of my experiences of being a Yin Fire, considering the positive & negative aspects. Like I opened this blog with, it's not easy being a Fire, but here are a few thoughts & confessions about how this particular Yin Fire, in other words, your very own Nocturnal Butterfly, experiences & responds to life & the world.

Positive Expressions of Fire:

1. Energy of Life (Joy/Having Fun With Life):

I really do get this concept & feel it deep within my bones. When things are going well, when my CF is behaving itself & the sun is shining & Lydia & me have, for example, been out on our bikes by the sea & stopped at the wonderful Mad Cuey vegan lounge for brekkie, it's as if time stands still. I feel as if everything is how it should be & many of my anxieties & worries are temporarily banished to the shades. Everything seems more colourful, it feels as if the seagulls are talking to us directly & in my mind they are our personal escorts as they swoop by as we ride the wild wind, down by the sea. I could go on for hours about this wonderful, life affirming sensation. In summation, it's as if I'm being who I need to be to make the most of life. In those moments, there is nothing I would change. With the beautiful weather, the glittering, feminine, divine sea for company, the songs I adore playing on my headphones as I'm cruising along on my eleckie bike, so many people, of all shapes & sizes & variations, some almost naked yet completely without shame (which is exactly how it should be - off you go to the back, any insecure slut shamers!), & with Lydia telling any cheeky rude boys chancing their arm to "cock off" as she goes sailing past them on her bike (check out Linda in the film Wish You Were Here if you're wondering where that comes from)... it is bliss really. Truly bliss. To paraphrase Wordsworth who once said something along the lines of, "Bliss it was in those times to be alive." My health worries, fears, insecurities... I can say bye bye to them when I'm in that zone. It's something I am eternally grateful for & will never take for granted, & although passers by may wonder if I'm ok as they see a person on a bike ride by with tears in his eyes, the reality is that they are simply tears of overwhelming joy, gratitude & astonishment. Gratitude for that perfect moment, & astonishment that at my age now, despite the amount of shit I've had to deal with, life has given me so, so much. And this feeling is pretty much the polar opposite of chronic dissatisfaction, one of the scourges of our times. Avoid it like the plague, boys & girls. And never fail to be, at times, as Linda in Wish You Were Here is called, "a troublesome bugger." Because life's definitely more fun that way, don't you think?






2. Expression:


Again, this is something I understand implicitly. In my younger days, I even ventured out in Frank-en-Furter-esque attire (see above), although I don't really have the lissom figure to get away with it any longer. But, anyway...expression. Without it, darlings, I feel like I will die. Whether it's through singing at open mics or at the amazing Cabaret Project that I've performed at a few times, or expressing myself through my clothes & through conversation or writing, this is as important to me as food & oxygen. I'm aware that being a dandy & being concerned with style & looking good is considered shallow by some people, but my dears, if what we express on the outside is a reflection of the inner... then who's to say if it doesn't reveal a lot more about us than we'd like to admit? And anyway, the alternative is to be a beige, conformist Puritan & I'm fucked if I want to be one of them, no matter how many people may decide to themselves that I'm shallow. At the end of the day, I've got David Bowie, Prince, Shirley Manson & a whole shimmering catwalk of Dandies, Glam Tarts & Disco Divas on my side, & if it's a choice between being like them or looking like a Supply Teacher or a P.E teacher in terrible trackies, then I know which side I'm on! And because, my dears, & to sum everything up, when all's said & done, this lady knows the score & it is simply...



3. Connection:

Ah... connection. Again, without it, darlings, I feel like I will die. I guess that's why being close to people & having genuine relationships with them is so important to me. It's also one of the reasons why I write about quite personal feelings & happenings in this blog. It might even be the primary reason I wanted to start writing this blog in the first place, as people in general can't be arsed to meet up in person any more & they would rather commune through the use of Facebook or whatever. I feel incredibly fortunate that Lydia & me have such a wonderful bond, as not all couples do. And although I made light of it at the start of this post, it is also one of the main reasons why I love to socialise. For that feeling of connection. My CF is really difficult to deal with at times, not just the relentless physical aspects but also emotionally & psychologically, & going out & meeting up with friends & having a genuine connection with them means so much to me. It raises my spirits (the fire within?) & makes me feel like I'm alive & not invisible & unimportant. So, yes, as a Fire, the need for connection is something I recognise implicitly. In this respect, it is very alarming (& probably quite damaging to Fires such as me) to see how social media has become a substitute for meeting up for genuine connection & conversation & how much of a lie its so-called "bringing people together" idea is. It may have brought us into more convenient contact with friends & acquaintances who live many miles away, but as for ones who are close by, I think it has left us more remote from each other than ever. A sad state of affairs, really. But for when the whites of the eyes meet & friends spend genuine quality time together, like Rigsby below, I too raise a glass. (And check out Leonard Rossiter's Fiery forehead lines! And he was an Evertonian, too!!)

4. Don't like change, they like constancy:

This is a really interesting one for me as I actually misunderstood this aspect of being a Fire at first & I originally thought that Fire's generally liked to explore new things. So, after feeling what I thought was quite out of balance with my Yin Fire nature in this regard, I then realised the Fire aspect that does not like too much change & is more comfortable around constancy actually fits me like a glove. There is a part of me that is insatiably curious, & human nature in all its weird & wonderful aspects fascinates me greatly, but I'm much more a homely creature of habit (or, a "piggy") as Lydia calls me. And although I do get excited about trying new things, I also get a great deal of pleasure from doing things that I already know I will enjoy. I enjoy learning new songs to sing, for example, but often I fall back on favourites I already know & love, & I'd much prefer to go for my favourite Thai curry than sample a dish I've never tried before. I suppose one of the reasons is that I always tended to agree with Oscar Wilde's idea that "We can have in life but one great experience at best, & the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible." I think my CF has also probably also played a part in me shying away a bit from trying new things as there are so many things I have to consider if going anywhere I haven't been before. And perhaps a part of it is psychological protection as well. For if I focused on how having CF means I can't travel abroad & explore different countries, then it could leave me feeling very short changed & pretty down in the dumps. But I try not to look at things in that way. There's lots of things I can do that I love to do, & that is where I try to focus my energy, not on things that I'll probably never be able to do. But if I genuinely look into myself, especially as I get older, I feel a lot more contented with everything if we're at home & there aren't any trips into the unknown on the horizon. I don't really care for surprises & April Fool's Day tricks seem to me to be as cruel as they are idiotic. Which possibly makes me sound a bit boring, I don't know. But anyway, hand on my fiery heart, if Lydia & me are at home or at a bar that I already know & feel at home at, & are in deep but playful conversation, just like Edie Sedgwick & Andy Warhol are in the picture below, then I'm pretty much as happy as a piggy rolling around in the dust on a dry summer day!

5. Social/Party Lovers:
Ahh... now this one really does get down to the nitty-gritty about how I personally feel as a fire. For as long as I can remember, I've loved & actually felt a PHYSICAL NEED to have parties to go to. They don't have to be big snazzy, swell affairs (but they're very welcome, of course!), but it does have to feel like an occasion of sorts. Something that I can look forward to in advance, get excited about preparing for, wondering which sexy frock to wear, etc. Because, darlings, it involves two things I've learned are crucial to a fire's health & well being: socialising & expression. A party of one would be like hell on earth for me. And a party where I wore trackies wouldn't be far behind. Of course, because of my health, I can't socialise as often as I used to any more & I have to be much more choosy about where I can go, how long I can be out for, & how much I can drink. But, when I'm feeling up to it, I can still have a ball, darlings, & it remains one of the most priceless things on my calendar. To be with Lydia & friends, in a social environment, as far away as I can possibly get from CF, in a place where people have gathered to have fun, is like Lifeblood to me. It's also a definite red flag for me if I'm not feeling like engaging with this fun side of my personality, which actually quite often happens. Life is a serious business, CF is a very serious illness to have to manage & I love reading novels & essays that ask the deepest questions about what it means to be alive. (Nietzsche, Balzac, Virginia Woolf, to name just a few) & sometimes that can stifle the fun element I also have inside me. My love of singing can even seem completely meaningless to me at these times & once I start feeling that way, I'm pretty sure that what I need to do is arrange some sort of night out with Lydia & our friends. I know that some people may think that this is all a bit shallow & that parties & going to bed late & being intoxicated are a waste of time (hello, to any of the more controlling Woody types out there!), but it takes all sorts to make the world go round, & not all of us have Achilles heels that get stiff if we don't get up early in the morning! And because,of course, as one of my very own guides to life, Oscar Wilde so exquisitely put it, & which is always worth remembering: "Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast."

Okay, so those are some examples where being a fire, I believe, brings a joy & richness to my life that I guess could be described as positive. But I'm also aware that, being a fire has its issues & problems. It's not for nothing that my very first words at the beginning of this confession were, "It's not easy being a fire." And so, as Ant of Lotus Nei Gong would probably say, in your best Mackem/Sunderland accent please "Howay... let's have a look at these negative aspects as well, then." (P.S - Ant is excused from any sartorial criticisms in this blog as his jumpers & socks are truly boss!)

                           Negative Expressions of Fire:

1. Can be Superficial:




In principle, I find this accusation a bit insulting, but I'm also highly aware of its accuracy. In many ways, I try my utmost to not be superficial & I don't believe I am. I love Lydia & take our marriage extremely seriously, as what we have created together is sacred & the precious time we have together & trying to help each other fulfil our dreams & support each other is paramount in our minds. I also love reading philosophy, poetry, literature & listen to musician poets such as Nick Cave who sing from the very depths of their souls. I am also adamant that being stylish does not constitute shallowness! But there is one area of my life that I will readily admit I am completely superficial about, but it is of a type that I allow myself to shamelessly bask in. For, dear reader, when it comes to perfumes & colognes, I am utterly, utterly helpless when it comes to their names & the atmospheres they provoke through their advertising. I actually have to stay away from the perfume/cologne departments if Lydia & me are out shopping where they are sold as I could literally bankrupt us within minutes. I'm completely aware that I'm being manipulated by the adverts, but oh, dear reader, how sweet it is to bite into those delicious, forbidden apples!

So, yes, all of the above have snared me in their various ways over the years, dear reader. But even the names... Opium, Decadence, Scandal...(ahh... how easily they roll out of the imagination & onto the tongue & then back into the imagination!) as well as having a scent that mirrors exactly the way that they are described, what increased pleasure they bring to life. And let it not be forgotten, Life can be absolutely brutal at times & when compared with infinity, we are here for a mere fraction of time, so any thing that can make life richer, wilder, more sensitive, in a phrase, simply MORE ALIVE should be embraced, in my opinion. And let's face it, nobody wants to smell of common old Brut 33 or Diesel, do they? It may be wrong to think this way, but, as a sensualist as well as a fire, I can only say one thing more on this subject, & that is that being superficially influenced in this way is not only scandalously decadent but also most decidedly...




2. Loneliness:

This is definitely an issue for me. And as I'm sure I heard Damo say on one of his lectures that I heard, & which I have to reluctantly concur with, loneliness can probably literally kill fire types. When I'm having a particularly rough time with my CF, on IVs or in hospital, the loneliness can really effect me. It's lovely being able to do IVs at home & therefore be with Lydia & not secluded for two weeks minimum in the Isolation Ward at the hospital, but I worry about the impact it has on her. And as I mentioned earlier about connection, it is so important to me, & if I don't have enough of it, I will literally feel myself shrinking inside. I don't want to labour the point, but yes, loneliness affects me on a very deep level & it is something I am only too aware of & I try very hard to remedy it, although it's not always in my hands as if nobody comes to our place or to the hospital then I don't see anyone. I can also quite easily go two months without seeing anyone, apart from Lydia, obviously, but CF specialists, nurses, health professionals, & the strangers I may bump into if we're out & about. There are no easy answers here, I'm afraid, & I'm quite sure I'm not the only fire who feels this way, but it is most certainly an issue for me.

3. Emotionally Fragile:

Again, this is an aspect of being a fire that I am only too aware of. I don't think I'm quite what Jordan Peterson & his army of mostly male keyboard warriors would call a snowflake, as I've struggled through enough shit in my life to know that the spirit of a fighter resides in my soul, but I'm also sensitive to the point of pathology. In my mind, a few harsh words has my heart beating rapidly & my hands in next to no time will become drenched in sweat. If Lydia's rushing around & perhaps snaps slightly at me, this will escalate in my mind within minutes to a sign that we might be heading for divorce. Let me repeat it once again: it's not easy being a fire. But, for all this, my sensitivity & appreciation of beauty, nature & the arts are probably all tied up to having an emotionally fragile state so it is something I would never trade. But that doesn't make it any easier when the thought of the way animals are treated by the meat industry, homelessness, the galling inequalities of our world & the pain that is inseparable from life pierces my silky skin & strikes through my heart like an arrow.

4. Flatness & Sadness/Lack of Joy/Prone to Melancholy:

I certainly know this to be correct. When my heart is filled with joy - for example, as I described earlier when Lydia & me have been riding our bikes down by the sea - it can literally bring me to tears of joy. But the downside is the polar opposite feeling which is one I'm only too aware of also. Even to the point where I've occasionally wondered if I suffer from manic depression as that's how wide the extremes can feel. And what can bring this on? Well, some of the things I've already touched on. My health & fears about the future & my mortality, simply for starters. There is also the state of things in the world with neoliberalism, climate change & the destruction of the planet. In fact in the outer world there are so many to things to get down about that I actually have to make a conscious decision to not let them affect me if I'm having a good day with my CF. As Boothy sings in the James song 'What For': "Today, I won't think of any sad things, will not think of torture, or the rape of nature." But feeling that lack of joy & being clouded in melancholy is something I definitely know only too well. The main thing for me is learning to understand that - hopefully - it will pass. It's like a wave that I have to surf. Once it appears, it's time to batten down the hatches, accept what's happening, & not feel guilty about needing to listen to the more reflective & blue-tinged songs by the Manics, Billy Mackenzie, Bowie, Marc Almond & Suede, etc, & do whatever I need to do to get through it. And I guess, these feelings that make me feel so lacking in joy & feeling so flat & full of sadness brings up a very interesting question: Would I agree to have those intensely low feelings removed or relieved, but only if it could be achieved on the condition that I would have to lose the wonderful, ecstatic highs that I so often experience as well? Well, dreadful though the Black Dog on my Shoulder moods are, the opposite highs are so euphoric, dear reader, that it would have to be a resounding 'no' from me. As glamorous disco queen Diana Ross sang with such sensual conviction on the ecstatic song 'Love Hangover': "If there's a cure for this, I don't want it... I don't want it." I know, I know. Fires, eh! How on earth do the rest of you put up with us?



Above Picture of Nicky Wire of the Manic Street Preachers by Manic Street Mania.

5. The Yearning For Constant Stimulation:

AAAGGGHHHH! This is so true it makes me squirm! I have to confess, I really struggle without something to occupy my mind. I would be absolutely dreadful at silent meditation, & actually get a bit jittery if I'm at home by myself & forget to put my music or a podcast or something on. I also find it very difficult to fall asleep if I can't have music on my headphones as I simply cannot turn my mind off. But, to counter this, I also adore listening to classical & ambient music, reading poetry & great European literature, all of which nurture a wonderful appreciation of life & of contemplation. I've learned to do this naturally in a way which works for me, & not by a mantra or by instruction. In my defence, I also see all around me, a generation that have lost the ability to watch a serious arty film, read a book, or even go to a concert without having to constantly check their phones or being able to sit still & concentrate without acting like they've got an insect in their underwear. I'm currently half way through re-reading (the last time was 2006) Thomas Mann's great cathedral of a book The Magic Mountain, with its astonishing array of subjects, psychological profiles & philosophical ideas. How many of today's fashionable "New Age Meditation Practitioners" would be able to do that? Not many, I would argue. So, yes, I do need a hell of a lot of stimulation, but I've also discovered a way to appreciate the world which is completely mine. But to give some of you an idea, this is probably what the inside of my mind looks like at any given time of the day!...

6. Their Relationship can Become like a Religion to them, especially if its Romantic:

Well, what can I say? Of course, this is me down to a tee. But there is a reasoning behind it that I would argue goes beyond Fire feeling. A bit of autobiography here: in the couple of years before I met Lydia, my life was going completely off the rails. My CF had taken my beloved professional singing & acting career away from me, the symptoms were also getting more difficult to deal with, my friends were busy with their own careers & I felt like they were leading up to the best days of their lives whilst mine were well & truly behind me. Everything good about what I'd achieved was in the past. Yes, I'd sung in the West End as the original Gavroche in Les Miserables & been chosen to be on the record/CD, acted in a successful TV series & toured Wales in a wonderful production where I played four roles, including that of the 2nd Witch, in Shakespeare's Macbeth, & flirted my way through life in a way that one of my great heroes & a fellow-Fire, Freddie Mercury, would have been proud of. But now, all I could see ahead of me was declining health & loneliness. And then, Lydia came into my life. We had our very first slow dance to Bowie's 'Heroes', she accidentally pushed me off a podium & I almost got beaten up by the guy I landed on because she didn't realise how slight of frame I was. We talked for hours on the phone, never getting tired of each other's company &, on top of this, with her long, cascading hair & Goth style she looked like a modern version of a Dante Gabriel Rossetti painting that had come to life. When Cupid fires arrows at you in such a way, how is one to respond? If Venus/Aphrodite blesses you as she had me, it would be insulting in the extreme to deny what she had done, & who are we mere mortals to deny what gifts the gods & goddesses choose to bestow upon us? All I know is that Lydia completely turned my life around. She brought meaning back into my life when it had all but evaporated. Gave me a strength that was beginning to wane when it came to fighting my CF. She made everything brighter & more colourful. When a person comes into your life & transforms it in such a way, how can they not be the brightest star in your universe? And anyway, Romance seems to me as valid a response to living in the world as any other. As an atheist, any God (especially as he is always supposed to be a man) based religion is of no use to me whatsoever, & whatever meaning I can find about my life has to come from within me. I know that some people will sigh & shrug their shoulders but this is the only way I know how to respond & at least the deep emotions I feel strike at the very heart of my being. I'm well aware of how psychologically wounded I've been from traumatic experiences in my past, but despite this, I've always tried to not fall into a trap that I think Fire types are especially vulnerable to, that is of using religion/spirituality as an antidote to emotional hurt:

And thanks to the wonderful, sacred relationship that I have, & also the philosophers & artists that I read who challenge me & watch over me & keep my thought processes in check, I've found a richness & depth in my life that I never thought I'd have. I think this is also why I find Daoism so fascinating & such an interesting philosophy to consider. We are currently living in very materialistic, unimaginative & unromantic times, but I'm delighted to be gloriously out of step with the mainstream culture that we are living through in this respect. I'm also aware that being a Romantic isn't without its issues, & that extreme emotions are seen as pathogens in Daoism & that I need to make sure that I never lose sight of other things that give my life meaning as well the relationship Lydia & me have. But I've been truly blessed, & I think that Lydia & me are well aware of the sacredness of the bond we have, & that what we've created together is, for all the terrible troubles that my health particularly regularly lands on our doorstep, A Kind of Magic in itself. And romance isn't just about individuals. It's a way of responding to the world. When love & romance are welling up in my heart, I feel that way towards everything. The wonderful sparrow chorus in our little garden sounds like an opera where I can understand every tweet they are singing. I feel like I understand the little dances that the honey bees perform around the flowers, & when I stroll by the sea, it seems to me that it is a Divine Feminine force that could change the relentlessly competitive masculine world if enough people would/could only listen. Of course, as a fire, when this feeling is absent I can feel like an empty shell masquerading as a person so it's not hunky dory all of the time. But when all is in flow...I feel completely enraptured. David Bowie once said in an interview that his relationship with his wife, Iman, was the thing he was most proud of achieving in his life. Bowie has long been a profound influence on me & I felt a deep sense of kinship with him when I read that, especially when I see pictures of them together that reveal exactly how much he adored & idolised her & show a couple so unashamedly in love: 

And I also often recall the words of Oscar Wilde, who was so skilled at turning received wisdom on its head, & who once replied to an interviewer who was dismissing Romantic feeling as being all flowery & not a philosophy that should be taken seriously, with the riposte: "Ah, yes, that is one way of looking at it, but then in reality, so few people are worthy of Romance."

So, am I, as a Fire, perhaps guilty of making my relationship into a religion, especially Romantic?

Guilty, as charged, Your Honour!

7. Conclusion:

And so, here, as promised, is my Confessions of a Fire. Of course, Daoism (& Ancient Chinese Thought) is an endlessly fascinating & deep meditation on life & what it means to be human & I am in no way trying to suggest that I understand this ancient philosophy in this piece, rather it is a humorous look at some of the ideas I have picked up along the way, which has perhaps also turned into a Fire's defence at the same time! I also think I'm correct in thinking that I am not just a Yin Fire (that's my day master), but I also have other aspects in my Ba Zi chart as well, such as being a Metal Pig, etc. But whenever I hear about Fiery traits, I pretty much consider myself to be a text book case. It brings me great joy at times, & when things are going well, I feel like I'm the life & soul of the party & it actually feels as if my heart will break out of my ribs such is the pulsating feeling of emotion that wells & stirs up inside me. And there is no drug or alcohol that creates this ecstatic feeling, just an innate sensation of experiencing something magnificent about being alive. But there is also the other extreme, where the spark goes out & I feel listless, depressed & practically everything seems to have no meaning whatsoever & when I have to really batten down the hatches & try & ride those feelings out. My hair, which when I'm feeling fine always wants to reach up for the stars, then becomes almost as flat as my mood. As you can imagine, trying to find a way to marry the two is no easy feat & although I try, I haven't quite figured it out yet. I'm also very grateful to have come across this aspect of Chinese Medicine in that it has helped me understand my own needs & desires in a much clearer & more accepting way. I don't see my need of feeling connected to people & wanting to dress up & socialise as weaknesses or failings any more, & for that I am so, so thankful. I overhear many of Damo's lectures through Lydia's study (at times it feels like Rob & Damo have moved in as their voices boom around our flat!), but although I don't agree with everything I hear them say, i.e., "emotions are pathogens!", (As a Romantic Fire, I can't go along with that one, Damo! 😉), but the notion of trying to find contentment rather than having the manic ups & downs I've described, seems to make a lot of sense. I'm also aware that accepting that I need some of these things to remain emotionally & psychologically healthy is not the same as giving them absolute free reign to trample over everything else & run amok, & that a sense of keeping them under control is key here. But knowing that repressing them & trying to make myself believe that I shouldn't need to do any of them would probably be very damaging for me. And with this knowledge, (thanks, Damo!) I shall certainly try to continue applying it to the way I live my life in the best way I can.

And so, to finish: Fires, Metals, Woods, Earths, Waters... each, it appears to me, have their unique qualities & by looking at personalities in this way, I think it makes one more empathetic about why certain people may act in the way that they do. That is my take on it, anyway, & if it can bring a little more harmony into this increasingly divided & hostile world then that it is no bad thing, in my eyes. 

And so, finally, onto the most important question of all, darlings...

in the words of Madonna...

"Where's the party,
I want to free my soul...
Where's the party?
I want to lose control!"

Like I said, it's not easy being a Fire!